Let me begin this entry by giving a MUSINGS missions statement refresher. Back in 2011 I vowed to let it all hang out, so to speak. To, in all things, be open about my personal life journey....spiritual highs and fleshy moments, good days and bad days, in sickness and in health....you get the point. For me it is a form of accountability. I mean, GRACIOUS LAND SAKES ALIVE, if I am laying out my heart on the internet super highway for the whole world to see, I best be getting my act together when it is only me and Jesus in the room! AMEN!? Also, it is my strong belief that transparency frees us to be who we are in Jesus! If my humble little blog encourages someone out there to keep going, moving forward and run the race with perseverance, AMEN! If an unbeliever reads these entries and it causes them to stop and consider their place in eternity and who they are in the world...HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! That being said, let me begin...
I am nothing special or unique. (Now, please don’t bombard me with quotes from Psalm 139, just hear me out) I am a wife, mom, missionary, (didn’t even go to Bible school! SHOCK!) I get my kicks off of planning my family’s menu for the week and then doing the shopping accordingly. (I know I know, I live on the edge) I go to Parent / Teacher meetings and try not to yell at my kids in the mornings or at annoying bus drivers in traffic (try being the word here). I attempt to put make-up on everyday so I don’t scare small children (attempt being the word there). The point is this....we are a normal family.....it just so happens that God has called us to live out life in the vast complex continent of Africa, specifically Lusaka, Zambia. (but that is for another entry)
These past few months have been TOUGH! The battles that have been raging have been some of the most severe I have experienced to date. Depression and discouragement so heavy it felt like a wet blanket on my shoulders, loneliness so profound it is almost tangible, feeling like a failure....all that fun stuff. I KNOW I am not the only one going through it. I am hearing reports of friends who are suffering INSANE stuff right now! Marriage problems, miscarriages, financial problems, child rearing issues that will spin your head...you name it. Some days you can handle it all with a “Jesus is on the throne” attitude, and others days are full of tears, frustration and exhaustion. I must admit that lately it has been more of the latter than the former.
A dear friend just wrote me this to explain where her heart is at right now.
Here’s an analogy of it.....you know when you have a piece of paper that is thin and you have to protect it from the rain? If its in the rain, it can blur the message on the page or even tare because it’s so sensitive. That’s how I feel. And, I do feel His grace at the same time...usually we cover that paper in our coats as we walk or put it in a bag or folder to protect. So, I feel like the thin paper that has to be cautious of the rain, wind, etc. But, I do sense His grace covering me, not so much to keep me away from this trial, but to carry me through...it takes a lot of trust to stay there!
I think that nails it on the head, don’t you!?
Last week after my husband left for the day I shut myself up in my bathroom and had myself a good old fashioned cry fest. I don’t remember the words I said to God, and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that when I got up off that bathroom floor I was a new woman. God wrapped his loving arms around me and assured my heart that it is all going to be ok. That I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. That even though the road is long and hard and rough at times, He is there!!!
I could go on and on, so I leave you with this, the amazing words of Pastor Ben Crandall
NEVER GIVE UP!!! NEVER...GIVE...UP!!!
(thought you TSCers would enjoy that one)